To Know I'm Okay
by MeganC121
Summary: A journey through Katniss and Peeta's relationship post MJ through the epilogue. Rated M for potential lemons in later chapters, and very mild language. Title is a song by Terra Naomi. I DO NOT OWN THE HUNGER GAMES.
1. Chapter 1: Peeta Comes Home

Author's note

Hello! This is my first FanFic ever. I finally got the courage to post it. I love the Hunger Games, it's the sort of story you never want to end… So I decided to continue it. Please read and review. Also, I don't own the Hunger Games, and I am not making any profit off this piece. Thanks for reading!  
-MeganC

**Chapter 1: Peeta Comes Home**

Katniss was tired. She had been in bed for months. Sometimes she would get up to eat, to bathe, to pace her hallway, arms wrapped tightly around herself, just lost in her hazy mind. When Haymitch came over, she would sit on her porch with him, listening to him aimlessly chatter in his slurred voice about Panem and District 12 rebuilding. She didn't usually speak, unless Haymitch asked the question again.

"Did Greasy Sae tell you?"

She turned her head in his direction.

"Did Sae tell you anything?"

Katniss shook her head. She hadn't seen Sae or her granddaughter that day.

"They're sending Peeta back."

For the first time in months, Haymitch saw emotion flash through Katniss' eye. So he continued, "Dr. Aurelius cleared him, says he is doing much better. His flashes are fewer and not as severe."

"Good for him," Katniss said, staring at Peeta's house in the Victor's Village.

"Dr. Aurelius says you need to answer your phone."

Mute again, Katniss merely nodded.

Haymitch sighed and heaved himself out of the porch chair, moving right in front of her, "Katniss, you need to wake up. Peeta will miss you. Greasy Sae misses you, Thom misses you. Hell, even I miss you. Everything else here is growing. You would feel better if you did too."

Katniss watched Haymitch until he disappeared into his own home.

She scampered out of her chair and locked herself in her home. Did Haymitch provide her with good news or bad news?

Peeta was coming home.

She looked at the primrose plants HE had planted. For HER sister. Because everyone loved her happy, bright, kind sister. Even HIM, without the memories, could remember Prim.

Buttercup wound himself around her ankles, meowing his sorrow.

"You're the only thing left, you damn animal," Katniss sighed.

She glanced behind her, the dark stairs to where the bedrooms were. Her mother's room. Her room. Prim's room.

The air caught in her throat. Her eyes tingled, her nose twitched. Tears began to leak out of her eyes. She touched her cheek cautiously.

She hadn't let herself cry in months.

She collapsed on the floor, sobs ripping through her body, shaking her to her core.

"Prim!" She wailed, "Oh Prim." Buttercup circled her, meowing loudly, joining her grief.

"She's dead, dead, dead you stupid cat!" Katniss shouted, batting at Buttercup, "She is never coming home, never coming back because she died! Everything, everything I did, I did it for nothing. She died, she died anyways. I killed her, I killed my sister."

Buttercup meowed louder, agreeing with Katniss. She stumbled up the stairs, tripping in her blinding grief. She ran to Prim's room, slammed the door open, and froze.

Nothing had changed.

Prim was a slob, clothes heaped all over the floor, her bedding in a tangled knot at the foot of her bed. Her desk was covered in hairbands Katniss had bought her, because they could afford filly things now.

Katniss stepped closer to the desk, dragging her fingers against the cool wood.

A piece of paper caught her eye. On top of everything, seemed to be a poem that Prim wrote for school, when they thought they were safe.

My Sister's Protection

Everything I am today

Is because my sister loves me

She always made me feel safe

And never let me really see

The hurt and horror and hunger everywhere

She held that all on her own

She didn't want me to worry or care

The evil she faced all alone

She is my Sister, my Tribute, my Friend

It was her, I knew would come back

It is to Katniss I owe over again

My whole life, and keeping me on track

-Primrose Everdeen

Katniss collapsed onto Prim's bed, clutching the poem in her hand, tears falling again. She laid her head on Prim's pillow, pulling Prim's quilt up to her chin, taking in the summer scent that was Primrose.

With a final shuddering, deep breath, Katniss felt herself pulled into sleep, a final thought drifting through her mind...

At least Prim knew how much she was loved.

She awoke to the smell of bread, lofting its way through her home. It was a nice smell. Different from the greasy bacon and eggs Sae typically made for her.

However, bread had always meant on thing to her...

Peeta.

She tossed off her covers, raced downstairs and into the kitchen, using a chair to break her momentum.

There was a loaf of warm bread in a basket on her table in front of her. She whipped around, frantically searching for him. He had been her, she could just feel him. She found her back patio door cracked open, and she immediately knew where he was.

She stepped outside, the sunlight brighter than she ever remembered it. She could hear the water running from the hose on the side of her house. She turned the corner and stopped immediately.

Peeta was there, watering his primroses. His back was turned to her, so to get his attention, she would have to speak. Did she even want his attention?

She swallowed her fears heavily.

"Peeta?" It came out a croak. No one could hear that. She tried to quietly clear her throat, and call to him again, before she changed her mind.

"Peeta."

This time he turned to face her, a worn smile gracing his face, "Hey, Katniss. Good morning."

"Hey," she said, looking down. She knew he was watching her, waiting for her next move. "Thank you for the bread," she mumbled to the ground.

"You're welcome."

When Katniss looked up, she saw Peeta looking her over, a concerned frown now resting on his face. She self-consciously touched her hair, noticing how matted and knotted it was.

"I'm sorry," she said, hugging herself.

"For what, Katniss?" he asked, shutting off the hose and taking slow steps towards her.

"I, uh, just got out of bed."

Peeta gave her a knowing look, and scanned over her body again, "What's in your hand?"

Katniss looked down, Prim's poem now a crumpled wad in her hand. "Oh! Oh no!" she moaned, starting to tug out the wrinkles.

"What is that Katniss?"

"A poem. Prim wrote it," she replied, not looking up. He took her arm cautiously and led her back to the kitchen.

"Can I read it?" Peeta asked softly after they sat down.

Katniss flattened the paper out on the table, glancing at Peeta, really looking at him for the first time since she left the Capitol.

He was thin and gangly, sallow cheeks and skinny fingers. The bags under his eyes proved he didn't sleep much either. She wondered who starred in his nightmares.

She slid the poem across the table to him, watching her fingers while he read the simple stanzas.

"Katniss," he hummed her name, "When did you find this?"

"Last night," she sighed, "I went into her room; it was sitting on top of those colorful hairbands I bought her. I don't know if there are others. This was all I could handle."

"She admired you very much Katniss," Peeta said, sliding the paper back.

"Prim is dead."

Peeta looked at Katniss, tilting his head to the side, "I know that Katniss. That's real."

"I killed her."

He cocked his head the other direction, frowning, "I didn't know that Katniss. I thought the bombs killed her."

"Coin sent you to kill me, and it didn't work. So she killed Prim, the reason I became the Mockingjay in the first place."

Peeta absorbed the new information, "You didn't kill Prom then, Coin did."

Katniss shook her head, "I'm the reason she is dead. I couldn't convince anyone of anything. I'm the 17-year-old girl who couldn't convince anyone of my loyalty. To either side."

Peeta stood up, getting ready to leave, "You are a survivor, Katniss. I don't know what else Coin and Snow expected of you."

"Where are you going?" she asked suddenly, trying to watch him walk down her front hallway.

"I have a phone appointment with Dr. Aurelius soon," he said, opening her front door, "By the way Katniss; he says you should answer his calls."

She waited by the phone the next day, just waiting for the ring to interrupt her solitude. Finally, it did.

One. Two. Three...

"Hello?" Katniss answered.

"Oh, hello Katniss. What a pleasant surprise," Dr. Aurelius said, "How are you feeling?"

"Um, better, actually. I showered today."

Dr. Aurelius paused before saying, "Well, wonderful Katniss. It sounds like you're making progress then. Have you spoken to Peeta yet?"

"Well, yes. He, a planted primrose bushes along the side of my house. And yesterday, he left me some bread. We played real or not real."

"Great Katniss. And how to you feel about spending time with Peeta? Do you feel safe?" Dr. Aurelius continued.

"Peeta is different now. He isn't my Peeta anymore. I mean, I see him sometimes, but mostly he seems tight, like he is always on the brink of something," she paused, then whispered, "Then again, I'm probably not his Katniss anymore either."

"No, both of you are changed. You will never be the same. But I think you can help each other. NO one else has experienced what you have. You two need to take care of each other," he sighed, "Just be careful with Peeta. You, Katniss, are his main trigger. Anything you do could set him off."

"I understand."

"Alright Katniss. Well this was a wonderful session. I see improvement. Keep getting better Katniss, and I hope you'll pick up again next week. Have a good week!"

Katniss replied, "Bye Doc."

She didn't really like talking to Dr. Aurelius. But she owed him. It was his testimony that convinced Panem that she was innocent because she was crazy.

When would she ever stop owing people?


	2. Chapter 2: Surviving the Nightmares

Author's Note: Second chapter in my story, this one is slightly violent, nothing graphic though, because I don't like blood and gore. Also, sorry about the formatting. I'm trying to make my scene breaks a little more obvious. Again, I l=would love reviews. Let me know what you think? Am I doing the Hunger Games justice? Wait, maybe don't answer that, but give me a review anyways. While I was writing this chapter, I was listening to "Love, Love, Love" By Monsters and Men, great song. The third chapter will be up soon. As always, I DO NOT OWN THE HUNGER GAMES.

**Chapter 2: Surviving the Nightmares.**

Peeta heard it from his painting room. The shriek carried from Katniss' house through the Victor's village. He raced out of his house, looking over at Haymitch, also on his front porch, disheveled and hung over.

The shriek came again, and both men began running to her home.

Peeta got there first, trying her front door. "It's locked," he hissed as Haymitch got there.

"Move, Breadboy," Haymitch snapped. He threw his weight into the door, splinters flying as it collapsed into her hallway. Peeta stumbled up the stairs and threw her bedroom door open.

She was sitting straight up, screaming, sobbing, shaking.

"Katniss!" Peeta yelled over her, running to her side, "Katniss wake up!" he started to shake her shoulders.

"No, no, no!" she screamed, scampering out of bed.

Peeta walked to her slowly, his hands up in peace, "Kat, sweetheart, it was just a dream."

"I killed all those people! Rue, Finnick, Mags, Cinna, Portia, Boggs, Prim! They remind me every night. I KILLED THEM."

"Katniss, you didn't do any of that. Please, come back to me."

"No. This would be easier if I were dead. I could rest with them; I wouldn't be in so much pain."

"Katniss..." his voice breaking with emotion.

"Peeta..." she whispered back, not really seeing him.

She sprinted out of her room and towards her staircase.

Peeta watched as she lost her footing on the second stair and tumbled her way down the rest, landing precariously at the bottom- still.

"KATNISS!" he bellowed.

Haymitch was already by her side when Peeta fell to his knees beside her.

"She just knocked herself out," Haymitch huffed.

"Are you sure she is okay?" Peeta whined helplessly.

"No, but no one is back yet, no healers." He stood up, rubbing the back of his head, "I'll call Plutarch and see if he can send someone over. Take her upstairs."

Peeta watched Haymitch slip into the kitchen. He picked Katniss up, surprised at how light she was. He laid her carefully on her bed, smoother back her sweaty hair.

"I can't let you die, Katniss," he kissed her hand, "You're the only real thing I have left."

* * *

Katniss woke with a roaring headache and her ankle elevated and wrapped tightly. She looked to her right, seeing Haymitch passed out in the chair beside her bed. She glance the other directions, and saw Peeta asleep, sitting right next to her bed, head on his arms, hand clutching her own.

"Peeta," she whispered, trying to dislodge her hand, "Peeta."

He stuttered awake, glancing around anxiously before landing his eyes on her.

"Oh, you're awake Katniss. Thank God."

"What the hell happened? I feel like I was thrown down the stairs."

Peeta looked at her questionably, "Don't you remember?"

"Remember what?"

He paused, determining how to answer her question. "You, ah, fell down the stairs."

She glanced at him, "I'm not that clumsy Peeta. I don't just fall down stairs."

"You do when you're running from your ghosts."

Katniss fell quiet, still enjoying her small, cold hand in his large warm one. She remembered what had happened, what she had done, what she had said. How she must have hurt Peeta. All he ever wanted was for her to live. All she wanted was to die. She would have to try better. To live. For him. Because she was the only real thing that he had left.

He got up to leave.

"Wait!" she whined, "Peeta, don't go..."

"Katniss, I have to shower, change clothes, I've been here since you fell..."

"Stay with me."

He cocked his head to the side, grinning slightly, "Always."

* * *

Peeta watched as Katniss hobbled around the kitchen.

"Just sit down, Kat. Dinner will be done soon."

"It gets stiff when I sit. I don't like it," Katniss complained.

"How about some ice for it?" he asked, moving to the icebox.

"That should help," she said, plopping down in a kitchen chair. "Thanks," she huffed, taking the towel holding the ice.

They sat another minute, listening to the pasta boil on the stove.

Peeta sat across from her, catching her hand, "Can I ask you something Katniss?"

"Of course Peeta, anything."

After a month of practically living together while Katniss' ankle healed, there was little they hadn't talked about.

"You didn't love me after the first games. Real or not real?"

Katniss flinched, "Real."

"You didn't love me when we started the Quarter Quells. Real or not real?"

She mumbled, "Real."

"But you wanted me to survive. You wanted me to be the victor?"

"Real."

"Why?"

She glanced up, tears in her eyes, "Because you have always been better than me."

Peeta was shocked by her uncharacteristic display of emotion, but was silent as she continued.

"My boy with the bread, my dandelion had to survive. You make the world a better place. I just occupy space. You live. You deserved life," she hid her face, her tears in her elbow.

"You are better than you give yourself credit for," he whispered.

"You will always be better than me. I could live a thousand lives and never, ever, deserve you."

"Haymitch told you that. Real or not real?"

"Real."

"Well," Peeta stood up from the table, "He's wrong."

She snorted, "How is he wrong?"

Peeta didn't answer as he scooped up spaghetti onto their plates, dumped sauce on it and slapped hearty slices of bread on top.

"You have no idea, Katniss," he sighed, giving her a plate, "how passionate you are. How protective and caring and strong. You are so beautiful, my gorgeous victor. You have always suffered. For your family, for Gale, for me, for Panem. You deserve happiness more than anyone does. And I intend on making sure you are happy, no matter what."

She glared up at him, a sneer on her face, "Peeta- murderers don't deserve happiness. I deserve nothing."

* * *

"How are you feeling, Katniss?" Dr. Aurelius gave her his usual greeting.

"Still hobbling, but doing fine."

"That's good to hear. So Haymitch says you and Peeta have pretty much moved in together."

"Um, yea. He's been helping me since my fall," Katniss replied.

"How has your relationship progressed?"

"Well, we talk a lot more; I've taken him to the woods. He showed me some of his paintings. He bakes for me."

"Do you feel safe around him?" he asked.

"Very. He has begun to gain weight. He is filling out nicely again, getting stronger."

Dr. Aurelius paused before asking cautiously, "What are your feelings towards Peeta, Katniss?"

"I don't understand."

"What emotions do you feel around Peeta?"

She answered, puzzled, "I don't know, warm?"

"Warm is not an emotion, Katniss," he sighed, "Next time we talk, try to come up with an emotion you feel around Peeta. Happy, sad, angry, something along those lines- okay?"

"Sure."

"Okay Katniss. Talk to you next week?"

"Sure, Doc."

The call ended, Katniss surprised.

What did she feel with Peeta?

She felt warm. He made her smile. He made her eyes twinkle and her cheeks turn red. Sometimes, he made her laugh, just small chuckles.

Was it anything other than warm though? That was the best way Katniss knew how to say it. Aurelius was a head doctor. Didn't he understand what warm was?

Shaking her head, Katniss headed out of her house and over to Peeta's. He was baking today. She didn't have the supplies, so his house was the "bakery".

She stepped in, the house reeking of burnt bread.

"Peeta?" she asked, poking her head into the kitchen. Smoke billowed from the oven. Katniss ran over and put on his oven mitt, pulling the black bread from it.

She coughed, putting down the mitt, looking around, "Peeta, where are you?"

She heard a moan upstairs, loud and pain filled.

"Peeta!" She sprinted up the stairs, and saw his painting room door open. She walked over and saw him squatting down, his head in his hands. He heard her enter, his head snapping up, his eyes trained on her.

Not his eyes though. These eyes were black, hazy, and wild. His hair was dishelved, his cheeks red, and breathe heavy.

She froze. So this was an attack.

"Mutt," he hissed.

"Peeta..." she whispered.

"Have you come to finish me off then? Add me to your body count?"

"I don't have anything to hurt you with," she said, slowly raising her hands, "I am not here to hurt you, Peeta."

He rose and flexed his hands, grinning at her manically, "They told me you would say that."

Katniss turned and ran back down the stairs and into the kitchen, where the smoke had cleared. She heard him thunder after her. She grabbed a butcher knife from the block and got into a defensive position. She didn't want to hurt him, but she needed to protect herself. Her instincts kicked in as he stalked towards her, his black eyes never leaving her brown ones.

He made a grab for her, she sidestepped and he slammed into the counter. As he turned around, she took a swipe at him with the knife.

The gleam in his eyes brighten and his pupils dilated. Katniss realized fighting back wasn't her best option. It made her seem like more of the enemy in his eyes. She ran down the hall, throwing the knife back into the kitchen.

Peeta paused, debating on whether to go get the weapon, but his need to kill her won over his need for the knife.

She ran back up the stairs and into a spare bedroom. He followed her in and grinned. Katniss had trapped herself, cornered on the second story.

He advanced, swinging his fists. She blocked him, but he was swinging hard, and she knew she couldn't defend a physical assault for long.

"Peeta!" she whined, "Peeta stop! Please stop, you're hurting me. Remember, you don't want to hurt me!"

Finally, a fist made contact with her cheek. She could feel the blood pool in her mouth, drip from her nose.

He picked her up and threw her across the room. She slid across a desk and into the wall behind it.

Everything on her screamed in pain. She felt his hands squeeze around her neck. She decided to use her last defense.

"Peeta," she choked, "Peeta, Peeta, Peeta, please, Peeta, Peeta..."

* * *

He could hear her repeating his name.

"Peeta."

His hands were squeezing something delicate, soft, fleshy.

He could see again. Rage, pain, and fear no longer blocked his vision.

A faint voice continued to whimper, "Peeta..."

"Katniss?"

He let her go, and heard her gasp, sucking down air frantically.

He saw her in a broken pile, surrounded by shatter glass and papers. Blood was all over her face, bruises on her arms were beginning to form.

He looked at his hands. Blood, her blood, stained his left knuckles. He hardly had any marks. She barely fought back.

He glanced at her and at his hands, back at her, and ran from the room.

"Peeta!" he heard her cry, "Peeta don't go!"

He continued down the stairs, ignoring her cries. He slammed open the downstairs bathroom door, and retched into the toilet.

When he was done, he collapsed, sobbing himself to sleep. He still couldn't shake the immense satisfaction he felt at seeing her, bloody and dying in his.

* * *

Peeta woke up in the evening on his living room couch. A blanket was tucked around him, a fire lit in the fireplace, and he was clean. He sat up and saw Katniss sitting at his kitchen table, nursing a mug of something. He could see the angry purple bruises on her cheek, neck, arm. He could see all the cuts and scrapes starting to scab over.

She turned and looked at him, a small smile gracing her face, crinkling the bruise.

"Hello, sleepy head."

"Why are you still here?" he whispered.

"I couldn't leave you passed out in the bathroom. I had to clean you up, you were bloody."

"It was your blood," he hissed.

"I couldn't let you see it again; I didn't want you to remember too vividly."

He turned away, "Well, I still do. Kinda... it's hazy. But I know I hurt you."

She chuckled hollowly, "Well, that's obvious."

"So why did you stay?"

Katniss got up and walked over to him, sitting where his feet were, "That wasn't you, Peeta, that was a Capitol creation," she touched his knee, ignoring his flinch, "I know the real you would never hurt me."

He leaned forward, gently touching her bruised face, "I did this, real or not real?"

"Peeta, it wasn't..."

"Real? Or not real?"

She looked down, "Real."

He pulled away, looking at the fire, "Katniss, can you please leave?"

"But Peeta..."

"Kat, I just need to think. Please. Just one night alone," he leaned forward more and kissed her cheek.

"But-"

"Just... leave."

Katniss abruptly got up and stormed out of the house, slamming the door.

Peeta sighed. He was going to have to make this up to her somehow.

He leaned back down and curled up in his blanket, drifting off to sleep. He was sure his mind would replay his horrific attack on Katniss all night in his dreams.

And he was sure Katniss wouldn't come when she heard him scream.

* * *

She clenched her fists as she stormed into her own home.

She let him beat her, throw her around like a doll, choke the life right out of her.

Then she stayed. She wiped his face, cleaned her blood off his hands, dragged him to the couch, tucked him in, cleaned his bathroom, waited...

And he threw her out.

She thundered up the stairs, ripping off her clothes and collapsing into bed. Her body protested the movement, her right cheek throbbed from where Peeta's fist made contact.

_He called me a mutt; he thought I was going to kill him... _

"That wasn't him," she whispered to the night, "My Peeta won't hurt me..."

She drifted off- -painfully aware that the warmth of Peeta was gone- -lonesome in the night.


	3. Chapter 3: Coming Back Together

**Author's note:** Okay third chapter, and this is the last one I have all the way complete. I will write and type the forth chapter and hopefully have it up in the week. I'm touched so many people have read my work so far. Thanks for making me smile. If you like it, please tell me so, and if you have suggestions, you can tell me too. Just review my story somehow please! Again, I DO NOT OWN THE HUNGER GAMES. I'm just having fun. Thanks for the support.

**Chapter 3: Coming Back Together**

Katniss sat in her kitchen, nursing a coffee the next morning. Her bruises looked a bit more subdued, but still a dark purple.

She heard Haymitch walk in, as was usual. But she also heard him pause. The air didn't smell like bread. His steps quickened and as he turned the corner into the kitchen, he gasped.

Maybe the bruises weren't that much better.

"What the hell happened, Katniss?" He came beside her, gently touching her cheek.

"Peeta had an episode yesterday, I just got in the way," she mumbled, not looking up.

Haymitch continued glancing down her body, looking at all the bruises on her arms, neck, the scabs with them.

"Jesus. Katniss, did he throw you into a wall?"

She looked up finally, her eyes saying it all.

"I'll kill him Katniss, when I see him, I'll kill him. He can't do this to you. You didn't even fight back, did you?"

She shook her head.

"God damn it, I have to kill him."

"No, Haymitch, It wasn't him, it was an episode. He has no control over it. You can't blame him for that."

Haymitch grazed his finger along the long bruises on her neck, "So what am I supposed to do, sweetheart, when I walk in one day, and he had you dead in his hands? Am I supposed to just tell him it's not his fault? It wasn't him? The Capitol made him? What do you think he is going to do when he comes to again? Accept that? When he finally kills you, Katniss, what am I supposed to tell the "real" him?"

She looked back down, "He won't kill me."

"Katniss..."

"I won't let him; he'll never get that close again."

Her doorbell rang, causing both to look up. No one in the village rang doorbells. Was it a Capitol person?

Katniss got up and opened the door. Peeta stood there, dandelions clutched in his hand. He flinched as her eyes hardened.

"What do you want?" she snapped.

Peeta started to speak, but choked when he saw Haymitch come up protectively behind her.

Now they both thought he was the bad guy.

"I'm just so very sorry, Katniss. I appreciate that you stayed and cleaned me up and I'm sorry I kicked you out, I just needed to think," he took a deep breath before continuing.

"I've spent the better part of the last two years doing everything I could to keep you safe and alive. But the way I am right now, that things that can happen, how I can just snap, defeats any of that, everything I've worked for, I can destroy it so fast..." he paused, looking at her bruised face. He thrust out the small bouquet of dandelions.

"I know though, that you like these. For you, they symbolize hope and new beginnings, a fresh start."

Katniss took the flowers, but never lost eye contact with him.

"Have hope in me, Katniss Everdeen. Have hope that I will heal. Have hope that you can help me. Have hope that someday, you will realize the effect... Everything that I have done, has been for you

"Believe in my new beginning. I have nothing left except you, Haymitch, and a few memories that may or may not be my own. I'm beginning again, because I have no past to keep me tied down anywhere except here, with you.

"And please, give us a fresh start, without the world watching. A start on our own terms and our own agenda. We can never escape the baggage of our past, but maybe that will give us a unique starting place."

Katniss felt tears rolling down her bruises, her mouth in an endearing half smile.

Peeta turned to leave, but stopped at what he heard Katniss mumble to Haymitch.

"This is why I will never fight back. Because when his darkness recedes, he is _my_ Peeta again. This is why I know he won't kill me."

* * *

A few days had passed. The bruises faded to a sick yellow tint on her body. She felt better now. Cheery even. Bouncy, happy.

All this because of Peeta. Because of his dandelions, her dandelions. Things had swelled in her heart, emotions she daren't put a name to. She was afraid if she named them, she would grow attached to them, and then when these new feelings left, all she would have were her constant companions sorrow, grief, and pain.

She never wanted to let go of her new emotional friends.

No matter how bad it hurt when he called her names, spit at her, assaulted her, she would never fight back. People will call her weak; people will never understand why such a strong victor would stay with the occasionally abusive Peeta Mellark.

She was done fighting him. She had been forced to fight him long enough. Katniss was done fighting Peeta.

"Free," she said to Dr. Aurelius when he called the next week, "He makes me feel free. And content, safe... and happy. Peeta makes me feel happy."

The doctor was quiet for a moment, before saying quietly, "Haymitch told me you were there when Peeta had a rather violent episode. He told me you got it pretty bad."  
"I wanted to help him! If I fight back, I become his nightmare, what he fears. When I'm not fighting back, he doesn't know why he is fighting me."

"That may be true; Katniss, but you can't always be his punching bag. Some days, you may just have to let him work it out himself. Or get Haymitch to knock some sense into him, since you refuse to."

"He doesn't need sense knocked into him! He needs soft words and kind touching. Cool hands against his flaming heart and mind. That's what I can do! No one has colder hands than I do...," she protested.

"I understand Katniss; I really do," Dr. Aurelius answered, "But just keep it in mind please."

"I trust Peeta, Doc, he always comes back to me," she said fiercely.

"I know Katniss," he paused, changing the direction of the conversation, "You seem to have made leaps and bounds these past few months. Why don't you say we start bi-weekly calls?"

"I could live with that."

"Well then Katniss, I'll talk to you in a few weeks. In the meantime, I'll work on getting your travel restraint lifted so you can come with Peeta for his next round of treatments."

"Oh, um, thanks, Doc," she stuttered.

"No problem, goodbye."

"Bye."

Katniss clicked her phone down, and hurried up the stairs to her bedroom.

"Peeta?" she hummed.

He glanced up from his sketchpad, "Hello, beautiful."

"When are you going for treatments?" she whispered, "I didn't know you had to leave me."

He put down his sketchpad and heaved himself off their bed, "Where did you hear this? Who could have told you?"

Katniss hugged herself, his absence already weighing on her heart, "Dr. Aurelius. He wants to lift my travel ban so I can come with you..."

"No!" Peeta turned to face her, "I don't want you to be there."

Katniss stepped back, shocked, "I thought you would want me there, for support... to help you..."

He ran his fingers through his hair aggressively, chuckling darkly, "Katniss, even you can't reach me there. I would be so far gone, even you couldn't help me," he cupped her cheek, "I don't want you to see me like that."

"I know who you are Peeta;" she tilted her chin up defiantly, "Nothing I see would ever change my mind. I'm coming."

"No."

"Yes."

"Katniss..."

"Peeta."

He sighed, looking at her half-heartedly, "Can we talk about this later? I'm not going for another month."

"Can I come with you?"

"Katniss- it's the Capitol. I don't want your nightmares to get worse while I can't help you. And the cameras and publicity... everything you hate..."

"Will you be there?"

"Yes, that's where my treatments are..."

"Then I want to come, Peeta, I want to be with you. I can deal with the rest, I promise." She closed the space between them, and hugged him tightly, "I'm done fighting you, Peeta, I just want to be with you, so I'm done."

He pulled away, leaving his hands on the back of her hips, stroking her hair, grinning, "What does that mean?"

She looked at him, her answer hesitant, "I don't know... it's just for the last two years, I've been fighting you, all your help and your kindness and your love. I was forced to fight you, forced into thinking you were the enemy. But I'm done, fighting, Peeta. I'm done fighting my feelings for you. I'm done pretending that I can't live without you in my life somehow. I'm raw, I'm open, " she stepped away and opened her arms wide, "I'm ready to feel again, to live. You did this for me. You have helped me so much. Now all I want is to help you."

Peeta smiled brightly, "And, if I may ask, what feelings have you been fighting?"

"Well, ah," she blushed, "You make me feel free. And, well, cheery, bouncy and happy. And safe."

"I make you feel safe?" he asked, "how?"

"You would never let anything hurt me."

He flinched, "But I could hurt you, Katniss,"

She shrugged, "I told you, I'm done fighting."

Peeta embraced her, holding her tightly, "You can come, Katniss," he mumbled into her hair, "But I need you to promise me something."

She beamed up at him, "Anything."

"Don't stay if I have an episode, don't try to help me. I need to do this on my own."

* * *

Katniss tugged on Peeta's hand as they reached District 12's train station. A special bullet train was waiting for them, and no other then Effie Trinket.

"Oh my favorite victors!" she trilled, "I'm here to escort you to the Capitol again!"

Katniss grinned. Despite the roll Effie had played in everything, Katniss was glad she survived, and happy to see her.

"It's wonderful to see you too, Effie," Peeta replied for both of them.

"Oh I can't wait till you see how they're re-building the Capitol! So elegant! There is a Victor's village there now too for when our treasured victors come to stay!" She eyed their clenched hands, "I'm assuming you will be staying together then?"

Katniss squeezed Peeta's hand desperately, hoping he would at least give her a chance to stay with him.

"Yes, Effie, that would be preferred. Thanks for arranging that," Peeta squeezed back reassuringly.

"Oh how exciting! Why didn't you two tell me you were finally together! We'll have to figure out how to keep you from the spotlight, but Plutarch will probably want an interview. I'll have to let Octavia, Venia, and Falvius know..."

Peeta and Katniss followed Effie onto the train, not really listening to her drabble. Katniss stiffened at the word interview, but sucked it up. This was about being with Peeta and helping him. If he could get better, and an interview just happened to be in the middle of it, she would do it.

They dumped their bags in their car. They would be gone for two weeks. The last time she had been gone this long was for the Quarter Quell...

"Katniss, calm down!" Peeta whispered frantically, shaking her shoulders. She hadn't realized she was hyperventilating. "Breath, Katniss, we're safe, we're safe."

She took a deep, steadying breath, and then gave him her best smile, "I know."

Peeta frowned, "You're not convincing me, Katniss."

"I just need to convince Effie, you and I can talk later."

The train lurched forward, and then picked up speed until it was silently whipping through the districts.

Dinner was set up; every Capitol delicacy was set before them. Some new foods she had never seen before were spread on the table. She tried those first.

Effie delicately dabbed her lips with the linen napkin, then broke the silence.

"So, how long have you two been seeing each other?"

Peeta glanced at Katniss, who suddenly found her hands very interesting. He sighed before answering, "We're not exactly seeing each other Effie. It's more inseparable companionship. We just can't seem to function without the other."

Effie's eyes were side, soaking it all in, "Oh how adorable! You two really are star-crossed lovers! Destined to be together!"

Katniss sighed this time, attempting to change the conversation, "So, Effie, I like you new look."

Effie bought the bait, "Oh, this? Well, fashion is a little more laid back now, since the war and the districts are still rebuilding." she fingered at her long, blonde locks, "I didn't know you could feel so pretty so exposed! Beauty Base Zero!"

"It's a much more comfortable look Effie, very natural."

"Well, natural is the new made up!" she said as she excused herself. After a few minutes, Peeta and Katniss retreated to their car.

They snuggled into their bed, Peeta wrapping Katniss securely in his arms.

"I'm not going to sleep well tonight Peeta..."

He held her tighter, kissing the top of her head, "Me either Kat, me either..."

* * *

_She saw the firebombs drop on the workers below._

_"Prim!" she screamed, "PRIM!"_

_But when she looked again, it wasn't Prim. Instead, two children, a smiling girl with her hair and Peeta's blue, blue, eyes. And a small boy, with Peeta's light curls and her Seam eyes._

_Her heart clenched, a new terror filled her soul. _

_Children, about to be incinerated. But not just any children... _

_Her children__. _

_She got up. She won't let herself believe she can't save them. Maybe she couldn't save Prim, but her kids... her babies... _

_She runs so fast. She sees Peeta out of the corner of her eye, running too. But not with her. At her. His eyes black, the snarl on his face wide, running at her. _

_She felt him grab her. She watched as the bombs dropped, the heat rushing to her face, the bodies of her children gone into oblivion. _

_"Peeta!" She screams, "No Peeta! The kids! OUR KIDS!"_

_All she can see are his crazed eyes, as he clenches the burning skin of her neck, ignoring her cries of pain and loss..._

"Katniss!"

She thrashed about, screaming his name. He shook her harder, "KATNISS! Not real! Not real!"

"Peeta!" she screamed bloody murder, "The kids! OUR KIDS!"

He froze.

Katniss jolted awake, gasping for air, his hands fluttering around her neck.

She looked at him once, tears beginning to stream from her eyes. She didn't collapse into him like usual. Instead she watched him warily, still not convinced she was awake.

Peeta cautiously extended a hand towards her, "Katniss?"

With startling speed, she hopped out of bed and grabbed their blanket.

She looked at him a second longer, sill gasping, an exited their car.

* * *

Peeta wandered through the train. He had given her a few minute head start. He calmly made her warm milk and cinnamon. He knew it would calm her down.

He found her in the living car, knees in her chest, blanket pulled tight around her. She looked so small an afraid...

As Peeta got closer, he could hear her mumbled chant...

_My name is Katniss Everdeen._

_I am 18 years old_

_I am from District 12._

_I don't have any children._

_Peeta will never kill me._

_My name is Katniss Everdeen..._

He shuddered. She only chanted after very bad nightmares.

"I brought you this," Peeta said, sliding it next to her, "I know you like it."

She took the mug and held it close, trying to draw the heat into her.

Peeta moved a strand of sweaty hair from Katniss' forehead, "Wanna talk about it?"

She didn't say anything immediately, staring ahead, shaking, scared.

"It... it was the Prim dream... the one where I can't save her?"

Peeta nodded. Katniss had that nightmare at least once a week.

"But this time, instead of Prim, it was a little girl, and a little boy, with our eyes, our hair, our noses... And... And I couldn't get to them. They were scared, and I couldn't run fast enough to save them!"

Peeta took the mug and placed it on the coffee table in front of them, not wanting her to dump it all over, she was shaking so hard.

"Katniss, I'm so sorry..."

"And then YOU!" she screeched, turning to face him now, tears mixed with fury, "You caught me. Instead of helping me save _our children_, you attacked me, knocked me down, made me WATCH MY CHILDREN BURN- and then you killed me!"

Peeta pulled away, horrified. He saw the pain, fury, betrayal, and grief in her eyes. He swallowed his emotion, pulling her against him despite her protests.

"Not real, Katniss. Shhhhh... Not real, not real. I promise you that was not real..." He cooed to her for a few more moments as she slowly calmed down.

"I know it's not real," she sniffed, "But Peeta, that's my WORST NIGHTMARE. That's why I never want to have children. When they turned 12, I couldn't help them, I couldn't volunteer, I couldn't protect them... I just had my worst nightmare..."

"It's over now, Katniss. No more Games, no more battles, no more firebombs. Everything is okay now. Children are safe, you made that possible," Peeta whispered, stroking her hair.

"It could all disappear..."

"Why would you destroy the world, Katniss, and not want to live in the new one you created?"

Katniss sat still, her head on Peeta's shoulder, not ever intending to answer his question.

"Katniss?" he whispered, "What did they look like, our children?"

After the night she had put him through, she figured she at least owed him a glimpse of the children he would never have.

"The girl was the older one, with your blue eyes and my dark hair and skin. The younger boy was a toddler, pudgy, with your hair and pale skin, and my grey Seam eyes. Clueless, smiling. They didn't know... They never called out for me."

Peeta was silent, contemplating his response.

"They sound beautiful, Katniss."

She left it at that. There was too much hope in his voice. She didn't know what he expected out of their inseparable companionship, but that was something she was confident she could never give.


End file.
